Aphantasia
by LittleSunset264
Summary: Not being able to see images in your mind no matter how hard you try can suck for certain things. (One-shot. Alfshipping.)


Aphantasia.

That was one word that could describe Max's mind. He knew what he was thinking, whether it was just words or of something he thought about. Max had no problems with hearing what he was thinking, not at all, nor did he have any problems with any other senses mentally. Creating images in his head, though, was always difficult for the young boy. No matter how hard he tried, he was never able to make an image in his mind whether it'd be of a fantasy or of a memory.

He sighed harshly through his nose. It frustrated him to no end that he was mentally blind. With most things it didn't bother him, but it did with certain things such as wanting to imagine someone he knew when he was away from them. It was something that kept him up at nights because of that. Max decided to breathe in and out slowly. While he knew it wasn't going to work, he thought he would try to attempt to imagine something once again.

Max closed his eyes as he put both of his hands on his stomach. All he could see was only an empty void of darkness that was his eyelids. He tried to create a mental image of Ash, but regardless of his attempts and regardless of how hard he tried, it didn't appear. His hands held onto his shirt and his grip of them became tighter and tighter. He bit his bottom lip firmly. The darkness was still there, taunting him of what he was unable to do.

After a few seconds, his eyes shot open and he grabbed his pillow, throwing it at the wall right in front of him. He sighed as he laid his head back down onto the bed, turning to his right side. Max swallowed everything he was holding back. Regardless of how much he didn't want them to, there were tears forming in his eyes. There was always one thing aphantasia made him fear of.

Not being able to remember what his loved ones looked like nor being able to see them in his mind at all.

If he was unable to make his third eye no longer blind at any point in his life, he would have to resort to photographs of what everyone looked like just to see each and every single one of them again if they weren't in person. He didn't want that to be the only thing if he was alone and he had nothing of them with him. Max shook his head; he could be able to see mental images at some point if he tries his best and tried various things of what to do. Maybe sometime very soon he could get rid of his aphantasia if it was possible. He had to think positively about it. He couldn't allow himself to think about it negatively as he did all the time. It wasn't something he should allow himself to think so much about at night where he couldn't sleep for a bit.

The door opened, causing Max to stay still and stay quiet. He heard footsteps come closer to the bed he laid in, unsure of who it was that walked to the bed. The person who came in then sat down next to him. They didn't say anything nor do anything else besides sitting down onto the bed. He slowly looked over his shoulder to see who was there. While he could only see the back and his sight was blurry without his glasses, he knew it was Ash sitting there. Knowing he was there, he turned around fully and held onto his arm.

Ash then looked at him with a smile. He put his free hand in Max's already messy hair, making it even more of a mess. Max tried to push his hand away, failing in his attempt as Ash kept messing his hair up even more. That caused Max to quietly laugh as he tried once more.

"Damn you, stop it!" Max couldn't help but have a large smile on his face.

Ash laughed with him. "Nope!" He pulled his other arm away gently and threw that hand into the hair-messing mix. "Not until you stop feeling upset!"

"Okay okay!"

Max finally pushed Ash's arms away from his hair, that of which now looked like a tornado ran through his mess of a head. He then sat up as he yawned. Ash leaned forward and had his arms crossed on his legs.

"I heard the pillow hit the wall." Ash started.

"You heard that, huh?"

"Yeah. May and I both did so I came up here to check up on you."

Max silently sighed. "I'm fine, Ash."

Ash frowned at him. "Did something happen?"

"No," Max shook his head, "nothing happened. I was just... Getting frustrated."

"About what?"

Max looked at Ash in hesitation. He didn't know where to begin as he was the first person he told anybody about this. The words in his head was all jumbled up, not knowing what to say nor how to say it even if he did know where to start. Regardless, he took a deep breath and decided to tell him anyways.

"I, uh, have something called aphantasia, or essentially being unable to see anything in your head." Max began feeling more relaxed as he spoke. "And, honestly, I'm... I'm kind of afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Never being able to see you nor anybody in my mind if I don't get to see anyone again for awhile, nor ever again. Mainly you, to be honest..."

Max looked off to the window to his side. Ash put his hand on Max's shoulder, who was unfazed by his hand touching his shoulder. He didn't even look back at Ash when he did that.

"Hey, it's not your fault you have it. I'm sure you'll be able to see in your head someday! I hope..."

Max heard him whisper the last part. Even if it didn't seem like he showed it, he appreciated his efforts. The younger kid silently gulped and sighed. Ash got himself more onto the bed and hugged him firmly.

"Max you don't have to worry about it." Ash reassured. "If you want, whenever I'm away, I'll call you as much as possible."

Hearing that put a slight smile on Max's face. "Yeah... That would be nice." Max hugged him back, laying his head on his shoulder.

"Do you need to sleep next to me tonight, or are you good?"

"No, I- I think I'm fine."

"Okay," Ash pulled away and gave Max a kiss on the forehead.

* * *

A/N: Considering aphantasia is something that I have, I figured I'd try to write a fanfic related to that somehow. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get rid of it, since I know that's possible, due to the fact that I probably had it since birth or when I was extremely young where I couldn't remember anything since for as long as I can remember I wasn't able to imagine anything. I personally don't mind it though, because while yeah I struggle with having to imagine something in my head, it's not something that personally bothers me so much. It's something that, in my opinion, has it's pros and cons and I don't think it's inherently bad or good, I guess it just depends on the person on how they feel about something like that.


End file.
